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Feb. 14th, 2011


I Have Gained An Angel

I have recently set up a website called I Have Gained An Angel. This website is an online grief and support forum for people of all ages who have suffered loss in their life.

I, myself, have suffered the great loss of my mother last March, and found that speaking on support forums and to friends online was easier personally for myself to express my emotions. I am only twenty-one years old and wasn't ready for the massive responsibilities which were thrown upon me, and these friends helped me endlessly to cope with my loss.

This is what sparked my interest in starting my own support group. I Have Gained An Angel is a safe place for teenagers to the elderly, with easy to navigate discussion boards and a chance to help others at the same time as helping yourself. After all, who else knows how to help us better than one who has suffered the same loss?

At the moment we are a small group and are promoting around to collect more members and heighten the support network that the site provides. Our current members have had a great deal of input with the running and content of the site, something that we aim to continue so that it can continue to provide the best support for those who join.

If you would like to know more information about the site, please contact me on ihgaa@live.co.uk, or even visit the site for yourself at www.ihavegainedanangel.com

Jul. 5th, 2010

tattoo numero dos! - 08/31/2011


(no subject)

Hi everyone.
I recently lost my Mom on June 16, 2010. Back in October 2007, she had a major stroke, wound up being released from the hospital two weeks later.. The following October, she had another major stroke, which left several things wrong with her - she couldn't walk, talk, or eat, she had to re-learn how to do it all again. She signed herself out by early December 2008. Well, a month ago today, we noticed she was getting worse & she complained of having problems breathing when she layed down, so we took her to the ER. They immediately took her back. Her blood oxygen had gone to 76, and there was just so much wrong with her. The next night, June 6th, suddenly, her left lung collapsed, and she was moved to ICU in severely critical care. The Doctors and nurses tried giving her/doing everything for her that they could. They put her on dialysis, but she wound up having these 'episodes' where her blood oxygen and blood pressure would drop so low that they would almost lose her. After about a week in the hospital, trying many medications and procedures, they realized that due to her fragile state, there was NO hope for her surviving. We were told that we would need to make a decision whether to keep her alive on machines or to just let her go painlessly and peacefully. On June 15th, we (my Dad, brother & I) had made the decision to just let her go, and at 12:05AM on June 16th, 2010, my beautiful Mom, aged 49, passed away. After we took her off the machines, her eyes flew open.. and then I saw her mouth go blue, and she gasped for air a few times, and the hand I was holding turned cold.. my MOMMY lasted a mere 35 minutes after turning the ventilator down. I miss her SO much, and I would do anything just to spend 5 more minutes with her. I am however, incredibly grateful for my boyfriend and everything that he's done for me.

I hope you all are doing well, and keeping healthy and happy, considering.


Jan. 21st, 2009


Still feels like yesterday

Almost 3 years ago, on April 2nd, 2006 while I was at work, a tornado tore through my home and destroyed my life. My mother, father, and 11 month old nephew were all killed in this terrible storm, which also destroyed the only home I had ever known. I will never forget the phone call I recieved from my brother saying, "come home now, they're all gone".  He was the one that found them all that night, my mother and father lying side by side in the ditch across the street from where my home once stood, and his only son in another small ditch farther out in the field. I remember going that night and sitting in the driveway and just staring at what used to be my home, where only hours before my whole family had happily sat and talked. Now, 2 years later, the rest of the world has moved on, while I'm left with emptiness. I will never again know the feeling of my mother playing with my hair when I'm having a bad day or my father telling me how proud he is of a good grade I made at university or the way little Lukas' eyes lit up when he smiled, never again. Everyone told me it would get easier with time, and I have to admit, I do have good days, but that void that haunts me is always there, lingering inside of me waiting for it's chance to escape. There are so many regrets I have of the way I treated my parents, I was diagnosed in high school with Bipolar Disorder which caused me to lash out at them many many times for no reason, and also caused us to be on bad terms for a while. Just as we were starting to understand each other again and once again become a happy family, God decided to rip them right out from under me...so everyday I ask myself and God what I did that was so terrible to have to lose the people I cared most for, and everyday I get the same thing....silence.


Jan. 20th, 2009


(no subject)

Hi guys,

I'm working on a documentary about young people who, due to parental loss, have had to assume leadership roles in their families.  If this applies to you and you'd be interested in taking part, please read on.  Thank you for your time.

Are you adapting to a new family situation and the responsibility of raising your siblings that was unexpected? Are you still figuring out how to adjust? Then MTV wants to hear from you. We want to know how you work through all the everyday struggles of being left to take charge because you have suffered parental loss. This show is really about kids who have come together under amazing circumstances to support eachother. If you appear to be between the ages of 18-28 and have 2 or more siblings that you are now the guardian of, then please send us your story and contact information to raisingmysiblings@mtv.com

Jan. 28th, 2008




My name is Courtney. I am 25 years old, soon to be 26. I lost my mother on May 18th, 2006, just after midnight. It's been almost 2 years now. It hurts most in the days before or after holidays and especially on my birthday. I hate mother's day now. My mom passed just a few days after mother's day that year. All I got her was a crummy picture I drew the night before. I haven't had a good couple of days. I can't stop crying. I don't know how I'm going to get through work tonight. I actually have to be around people tonight. I feel so guilty for the things I did while she was alive. I didn't spend days with her that she wanted me to spend with her. I made her cry a few times. I feel so horrible.

Jan. 25th, 2008

mom- beautiful high school picture; my g


IT DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cross-posted to my personal Lj

It's freezing out and I'm starting to get crazy again.... like mental hospital crazy... I love it how no one listens to me when I tell them just how crazy I'm going.... It's definite Borderline Personality Disorder in combo with OCD and depression. I can figure that out on my own, so why will no one else help me?.... I am NOT a danger to myself or others... so they can't evaluate and help me NOW...... I don't know what to do anymore and NO ONE listens....
.... I have a few unhealthy coping habits that I could turn to if needed be..... *shrug*
thank you, if you read it all.... I need help/supportCollapse )

Dec. 5th, 2007

mom- :(  i miss you


Curious again.

I want to make a memorial type page for all of our parents that we have lost and put it/a link to it in the userinfo for the community. Does this sound like a good or a bad idea? We could put our usernames & our parent/s names DOB - DOD's, a picture or a video + a special message from us to them on this page and do it all in links... Does this sound like a good idea? I already put my mom's memorial video on the user info page and that inspired me... So who thinks this is a good idea and who is not really interested?

Dec. 4th, 2007

Hope for the flowers


(no subject)

This is one of the posts I made when my mom was in the hospital... on the machines... (There are pictures.. may be triggers... so do not look if it might bother you)

Behind the cut is a picture of the memorial/birthday gift tattoo I got for my mommy.
my beautiful angelCollapse )
Mom- my best friend; rest in peace; my a


(no subject)

Has anyone had a dream in which your mom or dad came to you and talked about an after life? My mother told me about many dreams that she had about my grandmother.. The last one she had that she told me about happened about 3 weeks before she passed away.. That she had had a dream in which her mother had come to her and said that they would be together soon... It struck me as odd, but my mother said that it was comforting and that she didn't think that it meant she was going to die or that anyone else close was going to die. She just thought that it meant that they were together in spirit or something...

Now, I ask this because i know that it is common for people to have dreams involving their loved ones who have passed and they always seem to involve very deep and interesting topics.

.... I HOPE that my mother comes to me in a dream to talk.....

So, has it happened to you? What was the dream like/about? *sigh*
mom- beautiful high school picture; my g


(no subject)

I just keep expecting her to walk in the door any day.
I keep waiting on a phone call.
I hear her voice in my head, comforting me.
I'm still in disbelief that she, the STABLE... NORMAL one, in my family is gone.
I'll never see her smile again.
I'll never hear her bitch at me for calling and interrupting her movie/book again.
She'll never stop by unexpectedly with stuff for the kids & I again.
There is no one else that I can call at any time, slightly annoy, but will still listen to me and hear me out 100%.
No one else will EVER love me like she did.
The person who loved me more than anything else in the entire world, unconditionally and would od ANYTHING for me... is gone.....
The person who helped me through all the bad things during my pregnancy is GONE.
The person who hugged me and held me when I cried is gone.
The person who ALWAYS wanted to see me, even if the kids were annoying her is GONE.
The person who gave me life is gone.
The person I took to work in the mornings and made late sometimes when my van was broken, but she still forgave me and understood ... is GONE.
The most loving grandmother I'd ever seen is gone and Gabriel never got to know her.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO UNDERSTOOD ME (or tried to at least) is GONE.

You know that hollow feeling you get in your abdomen when you've been crying for a long time/or are INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED... kind of like someone is stabbing you in the chest? I have that 24/7 now........

I am still in the denial phase.... I can't believe that any of this has happened and it's right in front of my face...

All I can say is that of everything *I* have learned in my life is that IRONY rules it. The most ironic and fucked up things that I would LEAST EXPECT always are the things to happen..........

I still NEED my mommy. There is not a doubt in my mind about that.

The ONLY person who could ever comfort me is no longer with us....... and I can't beleive it at all... I keep expecting to wake up and for her to be there, wanting me to spend the night and watch movies, telling me about the new book she read, talking about how cute the kids are..... I want to wake up...... but it's not a dream... IS it? :(