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IT DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cross-posted to my personal Lj




It's freezing out and I'm starting to get crazy again.... like mental hospital crazy... I love it how no one listens to me when I tell them just how crazy I'm going.... It's definite Borderline Personality Disorder in combo with OCD and depression. I can figure that out on my own, so why will no one else help me?.... I am NOT a danger to myself or others... so they can't evaluate and help me NOW...... I don't know what to do anymore and NO ONE listens....
.... I have a few unhealthy coping habits that I could turn to if needed be..... *shrug*

Chad is a darling through most of this insanity. He's been VERY tolerant and just sweet in general. I hope that I don't drive him away with my crazies!... really... I am hard to deal with, even for myself.

Basically I need to start thinking on the bright side.... being more positive.... It's hard for me (someone who has been a pessimist my entire life)... but I KNOW that with determination I CAN do this all on my own... I can turn my negative crap around... I just have to truly strive for it... So that is my New Year's Resolution- BE MORE POSITIVE and throw the shitty attitude away! I can and will do it... getting there will be the hard part...

Ever since my mom died unexpectedly (read the previous blogs if you missed out on that) my whole world fell apart. She was my best friend. I realize now just how special our relationship was and that most people DON'T ever have what I once had with my mother. We talked on the phone or online EVERY DAY and we saw each other about 5 times a week. I would bring my kids over, Billy (my brother) and Molly would bring Ethan (my 3 year old nephew) over and they would play. My dad cooked nice big meals for us and it was amazing... and my mom & I just talked... about everything. She read books constantly and she just kept bugging me to finish Harry Potter book 7. I'm a Harry Potter geek and went out and got it at midnight on the release date, expecting to finish it within a week... but I got horrible antenatal/post partum depression/OCD and never finished the book. So my mom kept asking me for it.. She could have finished it in a day... but I was stubborn and insisted that I would give it to her when I was done with it...
.... well, then she was there and then she wasn't and she never got to read it..... So on her deathbed, despite her brain damage, I read it to her..... I hope that she could hear me or understand.... *sigh*

Anyways, so my mom & I were close. She was what kept me sane. She was there for me at any hour of any day or night for ANY reason and I love her more than anything.. She was PROUD of me. She constantly complimented the things I was doing and kept me ion my feet... I don't have that anymore from anyone and never will again, because a mother's love is the most intense... I am convinced, now that I am a mom...

To put it simply- I DO NOT KNOW HOW I CAN GO ON WITHOUT HER. She was my support system... She was everything to me and she was the only person that will ever UNCONDITIONALLY love me like that..... If you are a mom then you know what I'm talking about......

WHY HER???? Why so soon????? I talked to her the night before this happened and SHE WAS FINE. 100% normal.... then the next day I get word that she is in the hospital.... then the doc give me the news that she has a VERY SMALL chance of making it.... then she dies 4 days later, while my brother and I stayed there with her, after they had unplugged the machines... waiting for her to die... Billy left after 10 hours and I was the one who saw her AFTER she had passed (12hours)........ It shouldn't have been her. It should have been anyone that DESERVED IT... not my mommy..... She loved life and yet it was taken from her without warning... I KNOW that that is not the way she wanted to go...

I want to wake up. this is just a nightmare for me... That's all I have accepted it to be... a shocking nightmare that will end.... I will wake up and hear her voice... She will bring me taco supplies, she'll come over and watch talk shows with me and bitch about my kids being annoying (in a joking manner, of course), she WILL COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't accept that she ..... won't ever be here again..... No... I just can't even grasp that concept....

If there is a "God" then why would "God" take MY WORLD from me????????????? Why am I forced to watch my kids grow up without their "Granny"..... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

My kids have always been close to MY parents, not Chad's. Chad might have a large family, but my kids saw MY little family almost daily (whereas they saw Chad's on holidays and special occasions..... ) and now it is torn to shreds......

Gabriel only knew his granny for 3 months.... Luckily, before they moved her to the MICU I got to take Gabe (he was in the mei tai carrier, sleeping, tied to me) in the room where she was.... I told her that HE was there... Of course I wasn't allowed to bring in the girls and it was a rare exception that they let Gabe in... The girls would not have wanted to see that anyways.... but I told her that he was there.... I HOPED for some reaction... She LOVED her grandkids more than anything on earth, and was especially fond of the NEW baby, Mr. Gabe.... but now he will never remember her or know her... He WILL NEVER KNOW HER and he WONT CARE..... that saddens me more than anything..... She loved him so much, was such a beautiful person, and he won't know her or care that he doesn't...

I also worry about Zoe. My mom favored Zoe and told me this regularly... No one else did or ever has favored miss Zoe... and I worry about Zoe because she is special and She's so amazing... She thinks more abstractly than anyone else I know... She remembers "Granny" now... She wants me to "bring her back"... and I CANT and it breaks my heart when SHE mentions her.... I am afraid that Zoe will forget her someday, also..... I don't want them to forget..... My mommy used to say "Zoe, you're in my heart." and show her a heart-shaped picture frame that she had with Zoe's picture in it.... I DON'T WANT HER TO FORGET.

There is no "meaning" to this all, no reason she was taken so soon, nothing... there is no almighty smiting "God" up there with a "plan" in all of this bullshit.... no way... and my mommy was taken pointlessly... What was the plan??? take what little family I have to break me down into this even more depressed pile of shit???

I was depressed and anxious before, BUT she was there for me. SHE made me feel better. She told me it would be ok. NO ONE else can ever replace her. She was one of a kind... gone forever..... FOREVER...

... and just FYI- I am NOT coping well, no matter how much I fake it for you people. Fuck that shit.. and no one seems to understand the depths of how this effects me..... I know now that i had a special relationship with my beautiful mother that not everyone has and I am VERY thankful for it, but why did you (creator/destroyer) take it from me so soon? I'm only 23. I still NEED my mommy. I NEED her..... NEED..... and you took her.....

I do not understand it...... I am not THAT horrible of a person... Am I?

Anyways- I started out rambling about being positive and it turned into this... this has been a completely heartfelt entry... I wrote it as it came to my head and I don't care HOW crazy I seem from writing this. I AM crazy... I have lost my mind.... I'm lost..... and NO ONE can fix me.. I'm broken... BROKEN.

SOMETIMES, I want to be with her.... BUT ... I KNOW that I can't be and so I don't bother trying....... She is an energy that was released into the universe and is no longer who/what she was to begin with... SHE doesn't exist on any level, in the same form, anymore... She is electricity... :(

In order to become more of a positive person.. I need to get through this grieving process better than I am... NO, I will not just "move on" and forget about her. I can't do that and won't, but I need to cope better in order to change my pessimism....

I love you, mom.... Why did you leave me? You did, you know. You made the choices that lead up to your death.... So sometimes I feel like you CHOSE to leave me, but I know that you would never do that... so just.. WHY? We talked about everything.. Why didn't you open up to me about other things.. i know why... You wanted ME to be PROUD of you and I was... and I just don't understand..... if you can't beat them, join em? right? *sigh*

I had better end this entry now.. i had no clue that this is what it would turn into........ I just can't stop thinking of her.....

Comments

i was in the position of gabriel - my nana died before i could remember her. but she always lives on for me because of the stories my mum told me about her, and the way she loved me so much. so if you tell gabriel about your mum i'm sure he will love her and remember her through you.

i lost my dad when i was 15 (i'm 23 too), and i'm still so sad about it. have you got someone you could talk it through with? i'm going to talk through the stuff surrounding my dad with my psychologist which hopefully will help.

i wish you all the best xxx
Will be 2 years on May 18th this year. No, it doesn't get any easier. You learn to act like you're ok. You remember all the times you were shitty to her. Birthdays get harder, especially when you didn't spend it with her the last time she was alive for one.

When I read your post, I feel like I'm reading my own

My mother was my best friend and the only person in my life who kept me sane most of the time and she was tragically taken from me just weeks ago. She was too young and healthy to die and I don't know how on earth I will ever survive. I have 3 young kids as well (including a baby girl who will NEVER remember her grandma). It's heartbreaking and I wish I had a magic pill to take to make it all better. My grief hasn't fully kicked in yet, I keep thinking she's still somewhere. I'll see her soon. This must be a terrible joke. It just can't be. I would be here for you if you want to talk. Email me if you want stacyk2373@verizon.net Take care and know that you are not alone in your pain!

Stacy
i know how u feel